[I’m in a writing mood. Preparing for a large blog post in the near future. Today’s writings were fueled by: Thundercat - “The Golden Age of Apocalypse”, Yuck - “Self Titled”, Body Language - “Social Studies”, and Lana Del Rey - “Blue Jeans” (The Internet Remix).]

A conversation about people we once knew
Turned argument about the people we once were
And the light that shone between my words
Darkened the mood and illuminated your true essence.
The anger of hindsight causes one to act provoaked
Extinguishing the flame that fueled my assurance.
In the distance, words spray like lemon juice
On the exposed lesion of my self-worth
But this light will not fade.
Only dim long enough to prepare for radiance. 

I tried to get drunk by myself last night.
It didn't really work.
I mean, it kind of worked, but I ended up having about 30 minutes of drunkiness and then I passed out on the couch only to wake up to the dryest mouth ever and the hottest room ever (left the A/C on 80+).
I could talk about all the things that have been going on in my life and how I'm happy, upset, sad, depressed, lethargic, uninspired, scared, and every other adjective my little brain can think of, but what good would it serve?
A mild talking point among friends?
"Did you see what Greg posted this morning?"
HA! How egotistical of me. I'm sure 1.4 people read this.
(And that's being generous.)
Just know that I'm in a much different place in my life and I'm living.
Not well, not bad, but simply living.
Just trying to do the opposite of left and make myself a better person.
I honestly can't believe we only get to live once.
It seems so unfair...
I really hope I'm wrong. I want experience life all over again.
It's too awesome not too.

Today, I've really decided (honestly) that I'm going to get my shit together. It's time for me to grow up. 

I hear them before I see them. As I sit in the car waiting for Amanda to finish some important business a group of girls, no, not just a group, but a singular, uniformed unit acting as one appear in my rear view mirror. Their physical (and presumably mental) similarities are astounding. Moving in complete unison as if they were controlled by the same master computer, they march towards their residential goal. Their minds are completely linked in this age-old ritual. When it's time to cheer, they cheer louder than any of us. When it's time to dress, they dress better than any of us. And when it's time to be better, they still are better than any of us. Their very presence commands attention and if that fails (which it won't) then the three large Greek letters surely will.

Today was the conclusion of "Bid Day" (I actually had to do a quick Google search to find out what it meant exactly). Bid Day is when sororities and frats find out if they are accepted into their desired Greek family. The other day I heard from some co-workers that they saw some girls crying in the student union, presumably because they didn't make a certain cut for their sorority of choice. Ever since then I've been intrigued (obsessed) with this secret ritual, despite the fact that I have a good friend who is the president of a frat and have been around to see numerous Bid Days in years past. Something about this year is different. I guess I find the lives of sorority/frat members so intriguing because it's secret society built upon the notion of strong similarities in convictions, beliefs, mental processing, hobbies, etc. Any story I hear involving a frat brother or sorority sister involved them claiming that they don't know what they would do without their brothers/sisters and they are glad that they have a great support system (shit, I heard you can get a ride to anywhere from one of your pledges, simply because you need it). That type of reliance is unparalleled in my world.

I often struggle with the notion(s) of wanting to be accepted for who I am, while trying to find people I relate to on a variety of levels. I am often left unfulfilled in several key areas that breed in me a slow, creeping, sinking feeling of loneliness. I told Amanda one time that I wish I were dumb. I feel as though dumb people have it so much easier in life. Their aspirations are more focused because they often follow tradition, what's easier, or what their limited abilities will allow them to do. Their interest are just as minuscule and because of this they have no difficulties with finding similar dumb people. Now, when I say "dumb people" I'm not trying to put myself up on a pedestal or anything. I'm far from smart, but I guess a better term to use would be "basic". Sometimes I wish I were more basic.

Being into atypical things from your peers creates a level of division that I wish was not there. Once again, I don't believe I'm into some super-foreign-no-one-can-get-into-it type stuff, but you try explaining why you have to rush home to watch Gods Garden #4 tournament or why this particular scene in Ohikkoshi is amazing because it parodies Initial D perfectly. Yeah, like I said, not insanely atypical, but definitely not the norm. And so, in the end I always complain to anyone who will listen (mostly just to myself), "Man, I wish people would be into the things I'm into, not the other way around" (selfish, I know).

The indistinct chatter of the sorority girls continue into the distance. Their smiles are so bright and full of life that I can feel the creases of my mouth beginning to turn upward. I'm happy for them. I truly am. I daydream about their year at Southern and how it's going to be filled with parties and getting to know one another and building intense friendships and getting drunk at Retrievers and getting dressed up to go to El Som and cute sundresses at the football games and perfect frat boyfriends and clothes that never go out of style and always having someone to talk to, to relate to, and essentially be the same person with. Amanda returns to the car. I quite my thoughts and drive off. Maybe another day.

The door shuts, the car cranks, turns over, and the wheels peel against damaged concrete.

Thus begins my week long adventure into isolation. As I sit on the floor in my friend's room I wonder what I will (or won't) accomplish this week. What will be the point of this week? Will I indulge, not learn a thing, and revert back to my ol' ways or will I take this time to engage in a level of self-reflection that can only be achieved through isolation from friends, family, significant others, etc. 

Just Sitting:
Just sitting is a lot of what I did this week. This notion of "just sitting" is a conscious decision. Some people just sit because they're bored, they're tired, or use it as an in between point from A to B. When I talk about "just sitting" I'm talking about actively going to sit somewhere with the intention of just sitting. No meditating, no trying to reach enlightenment, no trying to relax (although it can be relaxing), just sitting and allowing whatever thoughts there are out there to enter your brain, not actively seeking things to think about. You'd be surprised the things you'll start thinking about when you just allow your brain to simply be. Common thoughts that sprung into my mind as I just sat were: self-betterment, maturing as a responsible adult, stress, and where does the line exist between choosing to do something and being addicted. I know, a lot of heavy pretentious stuff that no one probably cares about because they're actually living their life securely instead of thinking about it, but this is where I'm at right now. I think just sitting put a lot of things into perspective for me and continues to be the jumping point for many of the questions I have about life.

Stress:
I often get bogged down about the minutia of life and problems that seem very overwhelming at the time. The stupidity of others and myself, money issues, feelings of inadequacy, and the indecisiveness I feel about my future. These things will probably still get me down from time to time, but I'm committed to trying everything I feel I can do (within reason) to alleviate these problems. I was reading online about coping with stress and many of the ways that we cope with stress only continue the cycle of stress. Without getting into too much of it, there are 4 ways to cope with stress: avoid the stressor, alter the stressor, adapt the stressor, accept the stressor. These are known as "The 4 A's". These A's are then seperated into two categories as well, change the situation, change your reaction. Of course we can't completely avoid all stress, but we can better ourselves and be enough "on our shit" as they say that dealing with stress should be a lot easier and if not easier to deal with then easier to accept once all possibilities have been exercised. I feel secure in this.

Choice vs. Addiction:
Back when I was a militant vegan kid, I posted a Facebook status that read something like this, "If you think you aren't addicted to meat. Try to stop eating it." Although I was trolling for responses, that statement says a lot about addiction and freedom of choice. I feel as though the only way you can truly know if you're addicted to something is to try and abstain from it. Whilst you abstain, take note of the feelings you experience. Are you overly anxious? Are your thoughts consumed with wanting to do this "thing" and not being able to do it? How do you feel about not doing something you believe is a choice? To me, if it's truly a choice, then you should be content with not doing it anymore. I don't want to feel as though there are things I need to do to reach some type of end (i.e. getting drunk in order to have fun or express myself openly or having to be doing something "exciting" to not be bored). I strive to not be dependent on any one thing to bring me happiness or satisfaction. There are plenty of things that I enjoy and that make me a "better" person, but they're just things. I shouldn't look to these things, interactions, situations, etc. to bring me happiness. Yes, they help, but they aren't needed. Many people would see this as closing myself off, and maybe they're right for now, but I need to learn how to be content within myself without relying on outside forces to bring it to me.

I feel as though this week of semi-isolation did me well. Of course I can't speak on everything that has happen and sometimes I think the best secrets are best kept to yourself. Everyone has to find their own way, but if you wish to take anything away from this blog (considering you read all of it) I would say, take a moment in each day to just sit. You may surprise yourself.

(There are too many thoughts swirling in my mind as I write this, so if it comes off as "all over the place" that is why.)

A friend of mine (Herbie) shared with me a blog titled "All Japanese All The Time" (AJATT). This a blog/"book" written by guy who claims to have attained fluency level Japanese in 18 months from almost scratch. In this "book" he details how he did it, why he did it, and how you can do it too. The blog itself is entirely too lengthy/repetitive for my taste, but there are nuggets upon nuggets of valuable information and tips that can be mined. I believe the foundation of this blog is it's theory of U = EV/TD. 

U = Utility (How much do you want to do something?)
E = Expectancy (Do you believe you can do it?)
V = Value (How important is this to you?)
T = Proneness to Distractions (What are the distractions in your life?)
D = Deadline (How long do you have to accomplish said goal?)

I believe this theory can be applied to just about ever facet of life. I've been thinking about U = EV/TD for the past hour now and I must say that it'll put a lot of your life into perspective. Currently I'm a Statesboro townie floating through life until the next big change in my life occurs. This isn't meant to be as passive as it sounds. I have a plan! Or at least an imagined plan that I -plan- to put into motion soon. I believe by using the "U" theory, I can cut out some of the minutia that is my daily life. 

Like I said, I'm a Statesboro townie. My friend from Canada (JVO) had no idea what a townie was. A townie is a person who lives in a town (duh) and has no real direction or purpose for being there. They simply live. Many townies say they're waiting for [insert whatever] or say, "I'm finding myself dude". I just finished reading Scott Pilgrim and in the book the character Wallace urges Scott to go on a "wilderness sabbatical" (i.e. find his self). It proves to be quite successful (spoilers), but Ramona details her own wilderness sabbatical as, "I just ended up sleeping all day, dicking around on the internet, and watching every episode of the X-Files." This mirrors a lot of what actually happens in the lives of townies. Just yesterday I convinced myself it was okay that I didn't work towards any of my goals because it was my first day back and everyone needs a break right? My mother warns me that one day can turn into two years rather quickly. It's day two and I can't say I've improved very much from the previous day (hell, I'm still in my pajamas at 4:52p), but I have read a lot and I hope that it will lay a strong foundation of dedication for myself in the future.

So, to bring it back to "U" theory, I'm trying to apply this to some of my short and long term goals.
1. Learn Japanese.
2. Take the Japanese Language Proficiency Test.
3. Apply for JET and other English/Japan teaching jobs.
4. Become a better cook.
5. Communicate better.
6. Read more (a lot more).
7. Write more.
8. Work out more (i.e. become more healthy)
9. Live a life worth living and be happy.

There are a few items left off of this list for tl;dr [1] purposes, but you get the gist. I'll be tracking my progress throughout the year on this blog. If practiced honestly and earnestly I believe that "U" theory can help me achieve my goals. Discovering what truly matters to you and then cutting out distraction (or limiting them) is the key to success, but because we live in a culture that thrives on instant-gratification (i.e. the microwave) we often abandon endeavors that could prove more fruitful (i.e. proper cooking). Yeah, those microwavable dinners will fill you up, but can you really say you prefer Kid-Cuisine over a hand prepared meal of assorted veggies and/or meat?

[1] tl;dr - Too long, didn't read

This is a story about a slightly exaggerated Facebook conversation I had 4-months ago with a friend and what happened there after.

Me: "Man, so what do plan on doing while you're in Japan?"
Him: "Ah son, you know. Become a master of Japanese and get with as many Japanese girls as possible."
Me: "Yeah, I hear that. I think you should take your time learning Japanese though. It's pretty difficult and as for the girls, tread lightly.
Him: "Of course man. I just want to be fluent before I leave and smash Japanese bitches."
Me: "Do it man, just wrap it up before you do though."
Him: "Always."

This was one of the rare occasions that Facebook chat actually seemed to be working properly and I was going to take this opportunity to point a few points into my social bar (Sims). I'm pretty sure you don't know this fellow, but you don't need to know him. His story is just as much about you and I, than him exclusively. He is wide-eyed, has unrealistic expectations about learning a second language, talks of slaying mad hood-rats, but is usually the first one to get wifed up before any of his friends. He wants life experiences, but doesn't want to wait for them to happen naturally. He's going to make things happen and damn you if you think you can stop him, but he'll probably end up stopping himself once reality sets in. Well, that's exactly what happened to him and unfortunately, that's what happens to many of us. We're often so starved for a purpose that we'll let our gluttonous behavior blind us to the reality of hard-work and dedication.

My friend has this theory called, "The balloon theory". In short, the balloon theory treats life like a balloon and experiences like the air that fills said balloon. Naturally, experiences fill our lives and air fills the balloon, the balloon receives so much air that it pops, and intended outcome occurs. You finally become friends, she finally becomes yours, you and your parents finally have a decent relationship, etc. More times than none however, we're so ready to reap the rewards that we pop the balloon prematurely. Maybe we move in a little too fast on the first date or maybe we become an overbearing friend. We're not allowing the process of progression happen naturally and therefore we get unintended results. Of course I'm not trying to say that this theory is APA approved or any shit like that, but what I do know is this, said dude is in a rushed relationship built on a shaky foundation with impending doom just around the corner. I've been there with many convictions in my life and I'm sure you've been there too. Hell, I'm still there and probably won't change any time soon. I'm an extremist by nature. I drive fast, dream big, crash hard, rise from the wreckage, rinse and repeat. It's the only way I know how to live.

However crazy his choices may be, I still don't blame him and neither should you. Aren't we all thirsty for adventure, regret, success, and trouble? I know it's best to wait and see what happens naturally, but I'm a 23 year-old man with the mind of an impatient child who is physically growing older by the day. I hope I don't run out of time. Someone hand me a safety pin.

[Wow, I just found this buried in the recesses of My Documents folder. I hope I haven't posted this before. I forgot when I wrote this, but I think it must have been some time when I was in Japan 2nd semester or maybe the summer before I returned to Georgia Southern. It's amazing how relevant all this continues to be in my life. I think one can learn a lot from their past blogs/journals/diary/whatevers]

+ On my way back from class I noticed a woman dressed in what can only be described as "post-medieval garb" (or rather "flower-girl revivalist" now that I think about it). She walks confidently pass a pack of boys with her shoulders pulled back, chin up, and eyes full of vigor. I notice the heads of the group of guys turn in her direction. Faint echoes of their sexual interest and intent (largely assumed to be against her will) can be heard in the distance, "Man, I'd fuck the shit out of her" (A disgusting notion when you really think about it). Our paths intersect and for brief moment our eyes meet. "Hm. She is really cute" I think to myself. I look over at the legion of males in the distance, just long enough to notice a row of lustful grins and head nods begging for acknowledgement. I'm sure she noticed the the boys leering at her because by the time I turned my head in shock she had already picked up her pace and was almost out of viewing range of the group. "Did she think I was the same as them?" "Are we really the same?" I'm going to be late to work!

[As stated I wrote this on my way back from class and before my second shift at work. Sometimes I wonder what the women we don't know who are constantly the product of male lust think about men in general. No matter how different I think I am from those group of guys I've thought and said things that would align me right with them. I don't know if this is "natural" or just institutionalized. I try to do less of that stuff nowadays. I actually was late for work.]

 + Up until the exact moment of 10:13 this Friday morning I believed that the graduate student I was working under talked incredibly too fast, but sitting in a room with him amongst his peers I now realize that it was I who was stuck in first gear. As psychological jargon flew over my head and around the office my eyes brgan to swell. Yeah, I was about to cry, but not like -that- (I ain't bitch-made). It was more like the tears that fall from your fae when you wake up before your alarm, mixed with the feeling of confusion, similar to that time you smoked weed before work and thought you would be straight, but it's 6:30pm, you've been at work since 5:00pm and you asking your co-workers "How did I get here?". 

I've toyed around with the idea for sometime, but I think I'm entering a real-deal quarter-life crisis. If you care...[I never finished].

[I wrote this while I was suppose to be finishing up the coding of some experiment data. I really did almost cry that day. Lately I've been feeling really scared about the future. I don't really know what I want and I have multiple options. I'm sure I'll make a decision some day, but right now I'm just focused on graduation, working, and making sure everything is straight between me, the ms., and my friends.]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

[There was another story I wanted to share, but I just can't. Heh, it's really embarrassing. It's about lustful thoughts and how I think all men are evil and how we're going to hell (hypothetically). Maybe one day.]

+ "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead no where?"  (c) ADELE

[I know I'm super late to the party and I'm not even sure I'm completely there, but I heard NPR's Tiny Desk Concert with ADELE and she sang this song. I really like it.] 

10:50am - Work bathroom

"I really hate the sound of this automatic soap dispenser" This is me thinking aloud as I ready myself for another typical Tuesday morning at work. I reach for my things, but as I do my mango flavored Burt's Bees lip balm and keys fall into the sink. On reaction my hands move towards the basin and pass through the faucet sensor. Cold H20 rains down on my items and I let out a sigh of defeat. "Why does everything have to be automatic?!" I leave the bathroom wearing my pristine uniform (save for my slightly dampened pocket) and engage in my usual banter, "Hey", "How's it going?", "What'd you do last weekend?", "Not much man, you know me. Work, work, work" (ad nauseum). Even my daily interactions have become automatic and much like the soap dispenser, I hate the sound.

4:45pm - Carrol building bathroom

Does everything -need- to be automatic? Is the effort exhausted to turn on the faucet on really so inconvenient? I guess automated processes do make life easier, especially when it comes to verbal scripts. The awkwardness of greeting someone you aren't as familiar with is dulled by these verbal scripts, but when I think about it I would prefer a more "authentic" script to life's interactions. "No, today is not a good day, I'm actually quite depressed", "Hold on, wait, why are you telling me your life's story? I don't even know you like that and honestly I don't even care". When acts become so automatic we forget the process of "doing". This means to consciously think about what we're saying to others, to think about our actions, to think about our hopes for the future, our hopes for right now. The pace of everyday almost demands that we take this automatic approach to life. So much so, that daily living slowly becomes routine and everything is done because, "I don't know...I just do it."

I place my hands under the faucet, patiently waiting for the water to greet my palms. "Huh?" "Oh..." "Fucking hell!!".

In my rage my eyes become fixated on two knobs labeled "H" and "C".   

魚、金魚、日本、？？

While studying the kanji on the basement's white board, I crack open my fifth PBR and inhale a deep drag of alcohol from the can. The beer's suds burn while going down my throat, enough to make me tear up a little bit and make the friends that surround me a little less visible. It's Saturday, after midnight, and my friends and I are over at Shirley's house playing catch up and unloading emotional rants fueled by moderate amounts of alcohol. Shirley has been teaching English in Kansai area Japan for the past 2 years and now he's back in Douglasville to visit family and friends. 

I pound my hand on Whitehead's chest, "I envy you man. I really do. You are the right kind of emotional. Things bother you! I wish I could be this way". I give all my friends similar compliments throughout the night. My friends, to me, are an amalgamation of all things I enjoy about life. Combined we could be described as a "nerdy-reserved-musically inclined-party dj-pretty boy-socially savvy-modest, but always confident- type guy". I've known most of these guys since Middle School/Early High School and we haven't always gotten along and sometimes we don't speak for weeks/months on end, but when we do get back together we always pick back up where we left off. True friendship. 

I grabbed Kenny by the shoulders (I'm on my seventh PBR at this point). "Listen man, this is crazy. This is really crazy. I'm going to know you guys for the rest of my life. Like, that blows my mind. For. the. rest. of. my. life." Heads nod in agreement and the smiles across their faces cue me in to the fact that they feel the same way.

"Well, I hope that if we decide to hang again it can be cool and not awkward." [send]

Recently an incident happened between myself and a friend. A simple misunderstanding played catalyst to the eventual falling out built upon months (maybe even years) of emotional incapability. "Who knows" flashes across the screen in reply as I trace back through previous text messages to see where I might have said the "wrong" thing or not properly conveyed my point. It's amazing how things can go from, "Dude, we should try and go to Japan together" to being uncertain about whether things can be proper between you two ever again. This interaction completely juxtaposes my ideas of friendship and even the interactions I've had with other friends in the past (i.e. The Stevie B beef circa 2007). I'm not yet certain why some friendships work and while others don't. If I had to make a guess I would say that it's the same as romantic relationships. Everyone has needs within the confines of a relationship. Some more demanding than others. If someone doesn't meet expectations of friendship or as a person, then you can either, 1) Tell them what you need and maybe they'll change. 2) Accept whatever you get and deal with it. 3) Move on. I don't believe in changing people, but I feel that most problems can be worked through. I guess everyone has a breaking limit and I'm guessing that March 17th was his.

Friendship is defined as: "A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." By this definition I'm friends with a lot of people. In fact I would still be considered friends with "Mr. Who Knows", but friendship is something that can't be captured through a definition (#cheesy). I can't explain why Shirley can be gone for two years with no physical contact for most of our friends and minimal verbal contact with most everyone and we can pick things back up right where we left off.

That Saturday night felt like we were in early college again. It was rare and I'm grateful for it. I wish I could share similar feelings of nostalgia with all my friends, but I guess friendship wouldn't be special if it could work with just anyone.